PPA

Not an easy thing to write about...

Last month I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety.  Much like postpartum depression with a few differences.

Ever since Will was born I have felt like I was screaming on the inside.  Every time I would visit my doctor or midwife I would "suck it up" and tell them that everything was fine and that I just had the baby blues.  They would tell me that it would get better and I would believe them that all of my feelings were normal.

I wish I had known then that what I was feeling wasn't normal.

Will and I struggled with breastfeeding for 8 weeks.  He ate every hour around the clock and we had latching issues.  Imagine having chunks of nipple gone!  Just gone...and never getting a chance to heal because he was constantly feeding.  I don't blame him...I never did.  But it hurt.  I cried (and I mean REALLY cried) every other hour for 8 weeks.  It was horrible.  I would be holding my baby and my tears would be falling all over his face.  I felt inadequate.  Like he didn't deserve me.  That he would be better off with someone else.  I wanted to love my baby...but I just didn't feel a bond for those fist eight weeks because of the pain.  He didn't smile at me or laugh...he just wanted to tear up my boobs.  Deep down I knew that these feelings weren't real.  It was my mind playing tricks on me and I made sure that no matter what I was feeling, Will would never not be cuddled, and loved.  This led to a whole set of other issues.

Because I didn't want Will to feel what I was going through, I began to over compensate.  The second he would start to cry, I would jump up.  I would carry him all day, cuddle him all day, play all day...which is fine...but I couldn't take even 30 minutes to myself without feeling guilty.  I googled every little thing Will did all day to make sure I was doing the best thing for him.  Because google knows best :s  I could't leave him with anyone else because they couldn't possibly know what to do with him if he started to cry.  Or they would do something out of the ordinary and this would throw off his whole routine.

The worst part is that I was constantly on Robert's back.  Diaper changes, how to get Will dressed etc.  All so that Will wouldn't so much as whimper.  Because if he wasn't happy...it was my fault.

It took me forever to tell anyone.  As the symptoms got worse...it grew harder to talk about it.  I never thought about hurting Will.  But I thought about hurting myself.  Not all the time.  It was like a switch.  I would be completely fine and incredibly happy...and then Will would struggle going to sleep and it would get dark very quickly.  I would think that he didn't deserve me in his life.  I could feed him, put him down for a nap, leave instructions about how to formula feed for Robert, and then I could be gone by the time Robert got home and Will wouldn't suffer at all.  He would be fed and would have had a good sleep.

I told Robert all of these feelings a month ago and it took him a couple days to convince me to get help.  I was terrified that Will would be taken away from us, that I would loose Sagelyne and Hayden, and that I would loose Robert because he would never forgive me.  I would be judged by any mom who ever found out.  All of our lives would be ruined.

It was my strong bond with Will that changed my mind.  Will and I bed share part time.  Robert has said that in our sleep we sigh at the same time, stretch at the same time, wake up at the same time...etc.  If Will and I are so connected at night...what about during the day?  He must feel what I feel.

I finally went in to see the doctor.  I had to do it.  I was sweating, shaking, and terrified that she wouldn't believe me.  Or that 5 months later they would just tell me it's the baby blues...again!  And that I would have to go the rest of my life kicking screaming on the inside.  As soon as the nurse asked me what the visit was about I started bawling.  The doctor came in right away and was the same friendly and calming face that I've always known.  She reassured me that she would help in any way possible, that Will and the rest of my family need me and that if I ever need her, I can just call any time I want and she'll see me.  Part of me was relieved...the other part thought "great, I must really be crazy".

I left feeling like I was finally heard.  Just telling her made me feel better!  I didn't have to kick and scream anymore.  I could be open about my emotions because these feelings aren't me!  It's a nasty trick that my hormones are playing on me.  

So, for the past month I have been on medication.  Not an easy thing for me to do.  In the past, Robert and I have said that we do not believe in medicating before attempting to make better lifestyle choices.  But I physically and mentally could not exercise, and I could not eat properly.  So I decided to try the medication.

I wish I had gone in earlier.  I wish I could have had what I have now earlier.  Will and I have never been better!  There are sooo many things that would have sent me over the edge that just don't any more.  Even things that would have bothered me prior to having Will (us Type A's ;s).  Robert has said that he has never seen me this happy and relaxed.  I feel like before I was always trying to improve myself and my life...like it was never good enough.  And now it's the exact opposite.  I have everything that I have ever wanted.  I don't need to change a thing.  The best thing is that I don't have to be medicated forever!  Just until Will is over a year old.  I'm eating better, exercising, and feeling great even if I don't eat well and exercise :)   I've managed to tell a couple people and my mom. That's it.  And I'm comfortable with that.  I'm accepting that I can't do it all, and that's okay.  I have a beautiful family and wonderful friends that will support me and love me.