Friday, November 9, 2012

Where have all the flowers gone? Live

Peter Paul and Mary, 500 Miles

Remembering

The beginning of November is a tough time for Robert and me.

Bill passed away in the wee hours of the morning on November 1st.  He told Robert and I while he was still himself and aware that because of Halloween, and our future wedding date, that he would hold on through the month of October.  And he did it...he just made it through.

Bill was one of the strongest fathers I have ever met.  He fought to stay alive for his family until the very end.  I've never seen a father fight so hard for anything.

It was also a hard time because my step dad, Dan, attempted suicide.  So...we were dealing with a dad who wanted nothing more than to stay alive and a dad who wanted to leave his family and this world.  The feelings of loss were too much to bear but we made it through.  Both of us lost fathers in a way in the month of November.

Then, shortly after Bill's passing, we found out that Robert's grandfather had lung cancer.  A non smoker, probably came from years of work on the railway.  He was a WW2 veteran.

Every year we go from feeling of love, and happiness in October...to November.  Quite a shift.

Both of our families are still healing.  We think of Bill every day.  I feel safe in our home because I know that he is here.  I've never felt this secure in a home.  He visits me in my dreams and I tell him everything that is new in our life.  
Sometimes our dreams aren't always so pleasant.  Sometimes I go to answer the phone, and he refuses to talk to us.  Sometimes I see him in a crowd and he looks incredibly ill and just walks away.  But most of the time we have a good talk.  Even the bad dreams, I feel like he is trying to share something with me about himself and how he feels.

I miss Dan incredibly.  I haven't seen him in years and I know this chapter isn't over.  Hopefully he decides that he is strong enough to join our family again one day.

I planted some poppies in my backyard to remember.  I don't have any pictures.  They bloom beautifully and wilt too quickly...much like those we remember.

When I was young and in my dad's arms, he wouldn't sing me the traditional lullabies.  He sang me songs of peace, war, remembering, and protest.  I'm so grateful he did :)  These songs helped shape who I am today.  Very cool of him!  Lots of Peter, Paul and Mary..."Where have all the flowers gone", "500 miles", "Blowin in the wind" are my faces this time of year :)

Oh november....

We were talking last night about how this year, despite the sadness, our hearts are full and we have so much to look forward to as December approaches.  Sage, Hayden, and Will have saved us more than anyone will ever know.  Our hearts are full :)

Even Robert has agreed for decorations to go up after Remembrance Day...no waiting until after Grey Cup this year!!  

There is some calm, peace, and joy in November this year.


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Picture Day!

I have been waiting for this day for a loooooong time.

I've had dreams of my family of three all together at last.

Sage and Hayden have never had a professional a family picture session.

Josie is going to come over this morning for make up and Carrie is going to be our photographer at the U of S.

We are so excited!

Friday, November 2, 2012

A plan in the works!

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my dad?

I freaking LOVE my dad.

Anyway, once again Hayden was sent home from school early.  I had to pick him up in the principle's office yesterday :s

I took this opportunity to sit down with his teacher and the principal to talk about a stable plan for Hayden.  Our reward system is not working.

Hayden is behaving exactly the same way at school as he is at home.  Surprise!  He is extra weepy, misses his Papa, is not listening to any of the teachers at school, and is pretty much all around not following any rule lol....omg.  He is making friends, but I suspect that won't last long if this behaviour continues.

I've come to some conclusions.  I thought maybe Montessori was to blame.  I talked about this in our meeting yesterday.  But the principal reassured me that many children make the transition from Montessori to public school no problem.  They still teach respect and listening skills in Montessori.  The only difference is that the classes are usually 10 children to 1 teacher and 2 helpers and those kids are busy all the time.  Due to numbers, Hayden has to learn to deal with down time.  And his poor teacher can't handle 25 kids and 1 that is acting out.  We need to take care of that asap.

I feel much better about the choice to enroll him in Montessori now and I feel better with my feelings of not wanting him to change schools again.  Perhaps we should have considered Montessori before looking at St Peter's but it's too late now.  And I think he will benefit from having Sagelyne at the same school, and friends in his community.

Another factor is that Hayden has only lived with his Papa until now.  We changed his home and his learning environment....and he is no longer a baby but a middle child.  We basically rocked his little world!  The moodiness and testing is normal.  Sagelyne has always been shuffled and prayed for a stable home.  She is loving this.  Hayden never knew any different.

Another issue is that he is my dad's protegee (?).  Question authority, boys will be boys, Papa is the boss etc...Which is normally fine and dandy but with the change he is really abusing these qualities that we love about him.  Hayden is also extremely smart and knows how to manipulate like a Carruthers to make things work to his benefit.  Right now he is using this for evil lol.  It can be used for good.  I'll tell you the whole adoption story sometime!

The bottom line is he has been through a lot and two years from now it won't matter.

Why I love my dad....
because he will stop his entire day to leave work and come my rescue...anytime...my whole life.  He truly believes that you do anything for your children no matter what.

I called him after the meeting at school.  He came and took Hayden for a sleepover.  Dropped him off at school this morning, and met with his teacher and principal.  Brought Hayden home for lunch and we hashed out a stable plan!

First of all these kids need to talk to a psychologist.  Sage has been for years.  It has worked wonders!!  I think everyone needs to talk to someone.  And these wonderful kids have been through more than most of you...and they are happy and loving life.

Hayden will come home for lunch from school.  If he has had a poor morning he will stay home for the afternoon and have a nap...hahaha.  And if he has a good morning he can go back to school :)  Papa will also call in the morning and scare the bejesus out of him to assist in the behaviour change ;)

It's not going to be easy but it will be worth it.  Hayden and I went on a date after THE MEETING yesterday.  I was hoping he would talk to me and he did.  He said "Papa is my boss and no one else".  This will be trying.

I also took this opportunity to tell my dad that I have PPA.  He had the best reaction.  He said "if there was ever anyone to have an anxiety disorder...it would be you.  You've been a worrier all your life".  And a huge kiss and a hug.  Dad is a teddy bear.  I felt so normal and accepted :)


Thursday, November 1, 2012

Not a problem for us...

I have been having a hard time lately with the MIL and my mom.  Of course my dad and Karen are always cool no matter what I do lol.

Will is 8.5 months and we're doing wonderfully.  He is having some separation anxiety but I've read that that is totally normal around this age.  He was fine up until about 7 months and then just like the books said...it kicked in.  We're fine with it.  Our point of view is that if he wants mom...let him have me!  Don't get me wrong...if I need to get something done I will set him down.  But I go back to him in a couple minutes when I'm done and make sure he knows that I'm there the whole time I'm gone by talking to him.  It works for us.

We've never bought in to the cry it out...or the so called "no cry" solutions.  If it's a weak cry we don't respond and see if it will stop but as soon as it escalates we're there for him.

He is now only getting up once or twice a night, we're bed sharing half the night, and things are improving in his own time :)  Which gives me confidence that listening to my instincts is what Will needs.  Will is doing things in his own time as he grows and matures.

Going to sleep is improving too.  Now we get in our pi's, read a story, cuddle together, and rock to sleep.  Then when he is nice and extremely drowsy I put him in his crib and he's out.  The point here is in his crib not our bed :)

The mom's seem to think that I should just let him cry.  That I have created this separation anxiety and constantly make remarks that we are going to be "traumatized" when we start day care....which we will only need one day a week.  How traumatized can we be?  I actually heard one of them say to him as he was crying "No one cares if you cry".  I immediately went and got our baby.  We care if he cries.  What is so wrong for a baby to know that his parents will be there for him if he cries?  He is 8 months old!  No one has taught him how to manipulate...and I can guarantee that every time the crying escalates there has been something not right for Will.

I wish they would understand that unlike most mom's I didn't get to enjoy cuddling my baby in the beginning.  He would be crying and I would be crying, begging for someone to take him from me.  It's just now that I feel like I could cuddle him forever.

Will is a fantastic baby!  We lucked out!  I'm happy that we haven't forced anything on him and that we have taken our time to trust our instincts.  Any changes we have done in the gentlest way possible.  Yep, it takes longer.  But we are happy with how the changes have gone.  And it's us who have to live in this house.  If it's not a problem for us why should it be for anyone else.  You don't have to sleep in our bed at night and you don't have to put him to sleep.

They often ask when they will get to have sleepovers and what about time away from Will.  If you were to ask Will if he wanted to have a sleepover...he would say no.  This is purely for them...not Will.   We don't want to be away from Will.  We go out on dates and are home around 10-11pm.  But for the most part we want to be with our family.  Our kids and baby will grow up fast.  We don't feel the need to "get away from our kids" when we have a weekend with nothing to do.  We want to relax at home as a family and enjoy each other when we aren't running around.

Maybe I'm different because of the struggles we had in the beginning.  Maybe babysitting is hard for me because of PPA.  But I feel like we are doing better.  And I just want to enjoy my baby now.  I can't dwell on the "what ifs"...I just need to do what I feel is best NOW.

We are happy with our parenting choices, it may not work for others...but it works for us.  The others don't live here.

Okay...I feel better lol.  I promise I will have a upbeat, happy post soon lol.

My dad was really into attachment parenting...my mom had PPD so he was the primary care giver a lot of the time.  She went unmedicated.  He has been a huge support.  He reminds me that I slept with him, he stayed with me etc.  All the choices that we are making.  This helps.

My mom has been a huge support too.  She is over quite a bit during the week to help our family with whatever I need done :)

I guess I just needed a good rant.