Remembering

The beginning of November is a tough time for Robert and me.

Bill passed away in the wee hours of the morning on November 1st.  He told Robert and I while he was still himself and aware that because of Halloween, and our future wedding date, that he would hold on through the month of October.  And he did it...he just made it through.

Bill was one of the strongest fathers I have ever met.  He fought to stay alive for his family until the very end.  I've never seen a father fight so hard for anything.

It was also a hard time because my step dad, Dan, attempted suicide.  So...we were dealing with a dad who wanted nothing more than to stay alive and a dad who wanted to leave his family and this world.  The feelings of loss were too much to bear but we made it through.  Both of us lost fathers in a way in the month of November.

Then, shortly after Bill's passing, we found out that Robert's grandfather had lung cancer.  A non smoker, probably came from years of work on the railway.  He was a WW2 veteran.

Every year we go from feeling of love, and happiness in October...to November.  Quite a shift.

Both of our families are still healing.  We think of Bill every day.  I feel safe in our home because I know that he is here.  I've never felt this secure in a home.  He visits me in my dreams and I tell him everything that is new in our life.  

Sometimes our dreams aren't always so pleasant.  Sometimes I go to answer the phone, and he refuses to talk to us.  Sometimes I see him in a crowd and he looks incredibly ill and just walks away.  But most of the time we have a good talk.  Even the bad dreams, I feel like he is trying to share something with me about himself and how he feels.

I miss Dan incredibly.  I haven't seen him in years and I know this chapter isn't over.  Hopefully he decides that he is strong enough to join our family again one day.

I planted some poppies in my backyard to remember.  I don't have any pictures.  They bloom beautifully and wilt too quickly...much like those we remember.

When I was young and in my dad's arms, he wouldn't sing me the traditional lullabies.  He sang me songs of peace, war, remembering, and protest.  I'm so grateful he did :)  These songs helped shape who I am today.  Very cool of him!  Lots of Peter, Paul and Mary..."Where have all the flowers gone", "500 miles", "Blowin in the wind" are my faces this time of year :)

Oh november....

We were talking last night about how this year, despite the sadness, our hearts are full and we have so much to look forward to as December approaches.  Sage, Hayden, and Will have saved us more than anyone will ever know.  Our hearts are full :)

Even Robert has agreed for decorations to go up after Remembrance Day...no waiting until after Grey Cup this year!!  

There is some calm, peace, and joy in November this year.