But I'm scared.
I'm scared that I need medication to love my family and enjoy my life.
I'm afraid of what it will do to my psyche if I can't handle life without the medication.
I was silly and wanted to try to stop the meds "cold turkey". That didn't go well. I felt dizzy, nauseous, numb, and was totally fine with all hell breaking loose in my house as long as I had my little bubble to hide in.
Not good. I should probably mention that to my doctor...but I'm afraid of the lecture of trying to stop the meds myself. I've always thought that other people deciding to go off their meds were crazy...but I do see the appeal in wanting to feel like you have some control over your life.
I'm having anxiety over having to give up my anxiety pills.
I have 30 days of pills left and I kind of want to take one every other day so that I have 60 days before I have to think about going to the doc and coming up with a plan.
This sucks.
I clearly don't know if I want them or not.
I never thought that I would be this mom. Didn't even cross my mind. I knew that it ran in the family but I thought that I was stronger than that.
What does it mean if I can't function without them?
I'm jealous of all the moms that can just go out with their babies in that first year. I remember crying at home all day, my midwife taking me for practice runs walking around the block or driving my car without Will in hopes that someday I could do it with him. I spent 3 weeks straight inside my house. And Robert had to really be convincing in order to get me to walk around the block. I really don't remember much about the first 6 months at all. Instead of cherishing the first year I just wanted it to be over. So is that person going to come back?
I hope that Will doesn't find out what his mom was like when he was a newborn. And that if he does that he knows how sorry I am that I wasn't strong enough.
How come other moms can handle the first year but I can't? I'm always so afraid that other moms will judge me and think that I'm totally incompetent or judge Will and think that he is a horrible baby...(as if there is such a thing). When really we are told all the time that he is the happiest baby most have seen. Argh.
Hopefully I can remember all these things when I go to the doc...
I prefer blogging about the trials of parenthood. But this needed to be a post so that I can move on.
You are a strong mom. You are a great mom. And if Will finds out that you struggled when he was a newborn, I'm sure he will be shocked because he thinks you are the perfect mom and couldn't imagine you being anything but perfect. Meds or not.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you are concerned, just shows you care. But there is no fault in that.
If you want to hear a story about a horrible mom, I could come over for a visit and rant about B's Octomom and how she has scarred him this time. You will never be like her because she makes CHOICES to be awful. You would never do what she does to her kids.
First, to an outsider like me, you are doing great!
ReplyDeleteI've taken anxiety meds on and off since 2006. The best part about trying to wean off is that if it doesn't work, it's okay. You can always go back on them. It's not a failure to do so, it's identifying a need and fulfilling it. I know the panic, though...
I can't help but think that a lot of anxiety comes about from the way society is set up lately. Everything we do is on a variable reinforcement schedule. Texts, emails, requests, feeding a kid, changing a diaper, something breaking. You know it's coming....but no idea when. We know from decades of research that these reinforcement schedules totally screw with animals in labs (and sadly we often call it a research success--they'll hammer at that lever like champs). We also know that breaking behavior that was built on VR schedules is freaking HARD.
Be easy on yourself--you've got this, no matter which route you go. Anxiety doesn't make you a failure. Being on meds doesn't make you a failure. Being aware of how you're feeling and taking steps to feel good makes you awesome. S-1, Anxiety-0.
Shauna,
ReplyDeleteI know a very special mom to me that isn't brave enough to GO ON the anxiety meds.
I wish she could be as brave as you have already been to get help.
I fight anxiety every day as well. It doesn't make you weak. I think we just care too much.
You are an amazing mom to Will and don't forget that you have also stepped up and been an amazing mom to Sagelyn and Hayden who must be thankful for you every single day.
<3 You make us all proud to be your friend.
There is absolutely NOTHING about this journey that makes you weak. There is nothing about the fact that you dealt with an intensely difficult flux in hormones that makes you "not strong enough". You were strong enough, not only to make it through when the days seemed terrifying, but you also sought help. You got through that year. You found your life again.
ReplyDeleteNot everyone is strong enough to do THAT!! You are amazing.
Please get your doctor's help on how to wean off the drugs... if that's what you want. Or ask him/her that too- and find out how you might "resume" if you aren't feeling like you want to go on without them.
I continue to take meds for my thyroid, despite the pregnancy being over (and well over at that). Does it help to think of it like that? This isn't something that you could control, or choose, or desire. This was just something in which your body needed support.
Ps... you have 3(!!!!) children. THREE!! I am in utter awe of you, because I still struggle one ONE! Don't ever think that you're not a strong enough woman.
Bah. None of this sounded as loving and heart-wrenching as I want it to sound. Take care of you. Because you're doing one hell of an amazing job taking care of your children.
I want to echo what the others said, and nothing about being on medication or anxiety makes you not strong. So many people struggle with anxiety throughout or at different times in their life (myself included.) You had a HUGE year!
ReplyDeleteYou handled the situation amazingly and I look to you as an inspiration. You were strong enough TO get help, that's a wonderful example to your kids.
Whatever decision you decide with your doctor will be the right one, and Megs is right... if you start to wean and it doesn't feel right you can always readjust. Sending you lot's of love and support!
Thanks! I just needed a good vent! I thought that by now I would have it together and be ready to be weaned off.
ReplyDeleteBut we have had a huge year. It's an adjustment for everyone. I need to be easier on myself :)